Rewind two years ago to first day of preschool.  My little guy cried.  alot.  I’m talking of crying, “why did my mommy do this to me….I miss her so much…I want her back…please mommy” crying at the door of his classroom for 45 minutes straight as I waited downstairs with hubby listening to it all.

Finally, the {amazingly wonderful} teachers brought him down- and I went back up with him and sat in the corner as he sobbed for the remainder of the hour.

Day two, went the same, but this time, I told him before school that  I would be waiting in the car right out front.  He had to try to stay in the classroom and not have the teachers come get me.  If he could do that- I would buy him the “Batman House”.  He walked in and said he would try.

I snuck up and waited outside his class- and he cried. Of course, he didn’t know I was right there.  Crying with him. The teachers were wonderful- it was a tiny class and one teacher would just sit next to him and hug him and try to calm him… she wore a butterfly necklace. I remember that distinctly.  I know that my dad is near when I see butterflies.  I felt better.  a little.  day 3 through day 60 went pretty much the same.  He would bring a teddy bear to school “to wipe his tears” he said.

And each day, I would sit outside the class and cry with him.  Then, one day in October, my husband said, “enough- he can’t be ready.  let’s take him out  and try again in January” His eyes were red from holding back tears as well.  And then it stopped.  We listened- and there was no more crying.

After that, he loved his little school. Truly.  And all was well.  Fast forward to 4 weeks from now.  Almost to the day.  He will be starting kindergarten at a new school.  I know that there is no one in the classroom available to hug him- sadly- that might even be a misdemeanor in these times… I know if he cries, they will just bring him in.  He will look at me and wonder why this is happening.  Why am I letting this happen.

Of course I am reading the books about “first day of school” with him- making a big deal about “big boy” supplies and shoes and uniforms and such.  He got a cool lunch bag and other gear… his big brother will be in 8th grade in the same school… but I am sick because I know the day is coming that my little boy’s heart will break.

I went to the local toy shop-  not a big store- but  a really cool little toy shop and took 3 of their business cards.  I told my little one they were “prize” tickets.  That if he could go to school as happy as he has been doing in the past- or at least gave it a chance and tried to be happy.- for 3 days…we could go to the toy store  each day and use one of  the “tickets” to buy ANYTHING in the shop. yep.  unabashed bribery.

I know he’s looking at the darn monster Lego Starwars models that will set me back a few Jacksons…. but that’s the price I will pay- gladly– for this to be a good experience for him.   For him not to cry…not to look backwards with those big eyes wondering why I am letting these teachers bring him into school when all he wants is to be in my arms.  I am, of course sick over this already.  I try very hard not to let him pick up on this.

This is the price your really pay-  as a mom – the price you pay for this priceless gift of a child.

An occasional heartache.

Liam on his way to school with the crying bear on his lap before we got there, he would ask, “is it over?”